How do you know if you’re stuck in a cycle of perfectionism?
The cycle of perfection, or the perfectionist trap is a loop that begins with the belief that your worth is dependent on your pursuit of perfection. Underlying rules and assumptions conditioned into us by societal and familial standards inspire the standards we then create for our own lives.
These high standards are typically unrealistic and unattainable because they are perfect. After our high standards are set, our behaviors follow. We spend so much time procrastinating, followed by time spent overworking and overdoing. We avoid our feelings, avoid resting, and sometimes avoid taking care of ourselves altogether. We use shame and guilt to motivate us, which in turn often leads to stress, anxiety and depression. Our thinking mind is skewed, and we get stuck all-or-nothing thoughts, we ruminate, and obsess over our imperfections and the mistakes we’ve made.
At the end of the day, we either fail or meet our high standards. Failing to meet them just leads us to feel guilty, shameful, and self-critical, which brings us back to the beginning of the cycle: Trying to soothe ourselves by creating a new pursuit to fix our self-worth.
When we do meet our high standards, we may feel happy with ourselves for just a moment, but it doesn’t last long. We quickly decide that our original standards weren’t actually high enough, and we raise the bar. We are then back to setting unrealistic and unattainable standards and the cycle starts all over again.
This constant pursuit of perfection and success may give you the feeling that you have control of your life. This is only an illusion. The truth is, perfectionism doesn’t give you more control over our unpredictable world. It’s normal to want things to be a certain way, and it’s healthy to strive to reach realistic goals, but things go overboard when we our life and goals are driven by fear of failure and disappointing others.
Isn’t it time to break away from the cycle of perfectionism, burnout, and high-functioning anxiety? We think so.
The cycle of perfectionism
Source: Center for Clinical Interventions
5 Characteristics of perfectionism
Perfectionism isn’t about being “perfect”. It’s about having high and often unrealistic expectations about yourself and others.
Perfectionists often judge and determine their self-worth largely based on their ability to achieve such unrealistically high standards.
Perfectionists are persistent in setting high standards and goals for themselves despite experiencing negative consequences that impact their wellbeing and peace of mind.
While perfectionism is often seen as something positive, it can actually get in the way of happiness and impair performance. The excessive drive to overachieve can be self-defeating and lead someone to constantly feel on edge, tense, and stressed out. Perfectionists are often vulnerable, as not reaching the (possibly unachievable) standards may result in persistent feelings of failure, frustration, and sometimes depression.
Perfectionism doesn’t always present in all areas of a person’s life. It is possible to be a perfectionist in one area of your life (e.g., work), but not in another (e.g., grooming).
Perfectionism and self worth
Because achieving extremely high standards provides the basis for a perfectionist’s self worth, they tend to pay careful attention to any evidence that may mean they are not achieving.
For example, if a perfectionist believes “I can never make mistakes”. They will most likely find errors in their work that others may not notice.
Perfectionists also have a tendency to interpret information in a way that demonstrates how they are not achieving. They often have an extreme view of what success and failure is, with no middle ground.
For example, they may think, “Getting anything but an A on this assignment means I may as well have failed”.
Perfectionism and self criticism
When perfectionists only pay attention to evidence that insists they aren’t achieving, or they interpret neutral information as proving that they aren’t achieving, they tend to feel badly about themselves. For the perfectionist, this then emphasizes the importance of striving to achieve, thereby keeping their perfectionism going in a constant cycle.
Perfectionists’ repeated criticism of themselves not only causes them to feel more difficult and uncomfortable emotions, it also reinforces the need to achieve unrealistically high standards. The negative thinking patterns that they rely on causes them to exist with a skewed lens of the world, place a large amount of pressure on themselves, and see only the extremes in situations.
Perfectionism behaviors
To meet their unrelenting high standards, perfectionists tend to engage in a number of perfectionism behaviors (e.g., repeatedly checking work for mistakes), which may serve to maintain perfectionistic beliefs. These behaviors can be divided into two categories: 1. The things someone actively does as a result of perfectionism, and 2. The things someone avoids doing as a result of perfectionism.
Perfectionism “Active” behaviors
Most perfectionists engage in actions aimed at reaching their high standards which they may see as necessary but are often seen as excessive to other people.
Examples include:
Excessive checking
Excessive organizing
List making
Correcting others
Perfectionism “Avoidance” behaviors
Many perfectionists also attempt to meet their standards and avoid failure by avoiding doing tasks. Although this may not seem like perfectionism, when perfectionists fear that they will not be able to reach their high standards, they may be too afraid of failure to even try. Some may procrastinate by putting off a task, often indefinitely, while others will wait to the last minute before doing a task.
Other examples include:
Giving up too soon
Indecisiveness
Avoiding tasks you fear you are unable to do adequately
Perfectionism behaviors can also be problematic because they are typically consuming. These behaviors are often times done at the expense of other important activities. They can impair relationships, and they can also interfere with attempts to meet the standard that is set.
5 truths about perfectionism
You are imperfect. That’s okay.
A perfect human does not exist.
You will make mistakes. All of us do.
You do not need to spend your entire life trying to change what people think about you.
You are lovable in all of you imperfections and mistake-making.